I hate changes to my routine. I like my well established 28 yr routine. I don't really feel welcome here, the smell is different.
Previously, I dreaded going home, but deep down home still is comforting. I may be really upset, crying under the sheets but it was something I done many times, something familar. I used to spin excuses every 2 months to stay over but when I now can legally stay over, I wanna sleep at home instead. If only I can fall asleep here n wake up at home. I can't believe I would feel this way but I really miss home. Perhaps its karma when I so firmly said no to E when she insisted I will feel this way. But now, I can hardly control my tears. My eyes brimmmed with tears too easily, and my heart is extremely fragile.
Seriously, if not for the very tight bird cage, there is really no point to be married. All my life, I never did adapt to change well. Its unlike changing jobs because I am nonchalent about it. This is weird. I dont want to hunt for myself, I still want to be sheltered. There is no space for clothes here, the bedsheet is too warm, there is no breeze of cool air, no Alboy to call cos he is just here, sigh.
help.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Fly Birdie Fly...
I've been procrastinating blogging because I was too tired, a flurry of activities or just plain scared to pen my emotions down.
As usual I only return to blogger when I am extremely upset, the reasons for being so upset remains the same. Its always the same caged in a bird feeling, trying to break free, screaming, yelling, hitting bit. i hate it. n i hate having to rant about it. sigh.
I saw the date on my last post, I talked about V day. Alboy received his admission information on Vday and that has fast forwarded our lives. A flurry of ring shopping, followed by very fast decisions on gowns and photographers, we are going to be legally recognised as one soon. I am not the least bit excited and sometimes wonder if this were happening if not for the admission result. Alboy assures me it was just a matter of time, but I think that he would now still be 'too busy' if he were not given the push. I try to feel a little excited but I can't find it. Its a chore to me. I just want it over and done with. On hindsight, I should have planned this thing to be over and done in 2 mths instead of 3. I totally overestimated the time needed for gowns and photos.
To conclude, my current mood is sad, v sad with a stinging leg.
As usual I only return to blogger when I am extremely upset, the reasons for being so upset remains the same. Its always the same caged in a bird feeling, trying to break free, screaming, yelling, hitting bit. i hate it. n i hate having to rant about it. sigh.
I saw the date on my last post, I talked about V day. Alboy received his admission information on Vday and that has fast forwarded our lives. A flurry of ring shopping, followed by very fast decisions on gowns and photographers, we are going to be legally recognised as one soon. I am not the least bit excited and sometimes wonder if this were happening if not for the admission result. Alboy assures me it was just a matter of time, but I think that he would now still be 'too busy' if he were not given the push. I try to feel a little excited but I can't find it. Its a chore to me. I just want it over and done with. On hindsight, I should have planned this thing to be over and done in 2 mths instead of 3. I totally overestimated the time needed for gowns and photos.
To conclude, my current mood is sad, v sad with a stinging leg.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
2009 : so far so good.
I don't even know how long it has been since my last blog. Its lunch time and I never ever will view my blog on the office network. Blogging on it seems different to me.
I remembered being very lazy. Not lazy actually. Just trying so hard to get as much sleep as possible. I wake up at 6am these days, so its a struggle to get at least 6 hours of sleep everynight. Switching the computer on automatically means I am going to be zombified the next day. I am now trying to wean myself to be able to survive on 5 hrs of sleep.
I remembered wanting to blog about how much I was enjoying my new job. Surprise Suprise. It shocks me now that I felt this way. The job is fine, but to use the word..enjoy. woa. The new place is much better than the 2nd place. I get my own cubicle which imho is v v v big. Quiet enviroment without the door constantly slaming behind me. I get to get some shut eye if I want as well. No one sees my computer screen so I can do rubbish things like blog openly.
The only downside - having to lug myself awake at 6am everday. Plus the traffic home is so bad. Actually it would not be if I have a seat on the bus. The traffic to Alboy's place is worst. I tried several different routes, each one longer than the previous. I dont even know if its the worsen traffic condition on the day, or just the route.
Besides that, I am quite enjoying myself, only except when I think about how I am still wasting my life away day after day. Perhaps we should all be born the way benjamin button was, then we will just live life to the max.
CNY came and went, all 15 days of it. Ya, thats at least how long I didnt blog. I didnt eat a single mandarin orange this yr, hardly felt any festivity, collected my angbaos which turned out to be quite a bit this year.
Life after cny has slumped back into pre cny routine. I kinda like it, at least the first 2-3 weeks before I start whinning on how monotonous it will be. Already I dread the 5 day week. Its only Tuesday today, help.
V day is coming - as usual it will prob just be another regular weekend, which is good too cos I dont see the pt of doing something special cos that will make your hope raise n fall. I wouldnt mind a Friday evening movie though. We have been watching a lot of moview on fridays n it feels good.
As I type this I feel myself dozing off.
Time to catch 30 winks.
The verdict on 2009 : so far so good.
I remembered being very lazy. Not lazy actually. Just trying so hard to get as much sleep as possible. I wake up at 6am these days, so its a struggle to get at least 6 hours of sleep everynight. Switching the computer on automatically means I am going to be zombified the next day. I am now trying to wean myself to be able to survive on 5 hrs of sleep.
I remembered wanting to blog about how much I was enjoying my new job. Surprise Suprise. It shocks me now that I felt this way. The job is fine, but to use the word..enjoy. woa. The new place is much better than the 2nd place. I get my own cubicle which imho is v v v big. Quiet enviroment without the door constantly slaming behind me. I get to get some shut eye if I want as well. No one sees my computer screen so I can do rubbish things like blog openly.
The only downside - having to lug myself awake at 6am everday. Plus the traffic home is so bad. Actually it would not be if I have a seat on the bus. The traffic to Alboy's place is worst. I tried several different routes, each one longer than the previous. I dont even know if its the worsen traffic condition on the day, or just the route.
Besides that, I am quite enjoying myself, only except when I think about how I am still wasting my life away day after day. Perhaps we should all be born the way benjamin button was, then we will just live life to the max.
CNY came and went, all 15 days of it. Ya, thats at least how long I didnt blog. I didnt eat a single mandarin orange this yr, hardly felt any festivity, collected my angbaos which turned out to be quite a bit this year.
Life after cny has slumped back into pre cny routine. I kinda like it, at least the first 2-3 weeks before I start whinning on how monotonous it will be. Already I dread the 5 day week. Its only Tuesday today, help.
V day is coming - as usual it will prob just be another regular weekend, which is good too cos I dont see the pt of doing something special cos that will make your hope raise n fall. I wouldnt mind a Friday evening movie though. We have been watching a lot of moview on fridays n it feels good.
As I type this I feel myself dozing off.
Time to catch 30 winks.
The verdict on 2009 : so far so good.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Officially 2009
As usual, I always feel kinda sad that its a new year.
Its like u slug it out through the past yr and there is only this short period of enjoyment before it all resets again.
Its like in the new year, there is no excuse for you to make merry, u have to work.
Usually I am quite busy at the start of the year because of work events. Now, I am just feeling nervous cos I do not know what to expect at all. My last job I couldnt be bothered. Now I am actually nervous.
I remembered entering 2008 with the mindset that the first few months were going to pass really fast. It was event after event, flying off throughout the region, I still remember that I planned to fly off then cny, so it would be 2 weeks gone and Jan would be over before I knew it.
Now I am half looking forward to cny, cos at least there is something to look forward too, but then after cny it is going to be a drought and I hate droughts, because everything becomes so routine!
2009. Lets see what the yr will bring.
Its like u slug it out through the past yr and there is only this short period of enjoyment before it all resets again.
Its like in the new year, there is no excuse for you to make merry, u have to work.
Usually I am quite busy at the start of the year because of work events. Now, I am just feeling nervous cos I do not know what to expect at all. My last job I couldnt be bothered. Now I am actually nervous.
I remembered entering 2008 with the mindset that the first few months were going to pass really fast. It was event after event, flying off throughout the region, I still remember that I planned to fly off then cny, so it would be 2 weeks gone and Jan would be over before I knew it.
Now I am half looking forward to cny, cos at least there is something to look forward too, but then after cny it is going to be a drought and I hate droughts, because everything becomes so routine!
2009. Lets see what the yr will bring.
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