Things that make me happy

Its quite amazing that I can write stuff, stuff which at the moment of writing will help organise the fluff with the sole purpose of making everything easily understandable the next time round, and I have no effin idea what I wrote when i reread it. Then i do the same thing over and over again. Madness.

Anyway, since this is a post of things that makes me happy. Lets just list them down pronto.
- being a business owner is immensely satisfying. i may be only at the very early stages, but i know its a good step forward and this time round, i have a fren to push me along.
- dreaming of bubble gummy nail colours make me slightly dizty. Not sure if its happines, but I am pretty sure if my nails were indeed nicely painted those colours, i will be happy
- waking up early, doing stuff and feeling satisfied makes me happy. Although, 99% of the time it will be accompanied by faintness in the brain followed by an uncontrollable 3 hr nap which negates everything. Then, the familar sick feeling breeds.
- travelling makes me happy. i love to travel, walk around, breathe in a different air, learn new things - that makes me very very happy. really happy.
- thinking of going to paris makes me happy, even though it will be my 3rd time there I somehow really like paris.
- talking to my closer friends and have them understand you at the same level without them being patronising is a good feeling. However, most of the time, friends only come to you when they need a listening ear and you know it when they only half listen to you. It also mars the feeling when you feel that you wasted too much time online just chatting.
-being so tired that you are able to fall asleep immediately at the right timing is a great feeling. Too bad my body clock is so screwed.
-swimming, as always, feels divine.
-cycling in the perfect temperature feels great too. If only I could take my eyes off the path and look at the sights without worrying about crashing, or car doors opening to slam right into me.
- i guess having nice clothes and knowing exactly how to match your clothes will feel good. I think one needs to have a large collection of clothes before you can do that. I feel I have too little clothes and am getting kinda sick with the same stuff.
-nice jewelery always makes one feel happy. But jewelery has to match nice clothes, or there needs to be someone out there to notice and admire.
- being loved and being around pple who openly express that they love you is a happy feeling. I'm not talking about being around people who love you but don't express it, that is another dimension all together.
- eating good food at good prices is always enjoyable
- eating good dimsum has to make this list definitely
- good desserts as well

ha, i actually feel kinda happy thinking and writing about the things that makes me happy.

The flair for writing.

I don't think I write particularly well. My hand eye coordination is not what it seems. I think in perfect english but I land up typing terrible english. I am too lazy to check and my eyes glaze over most unintended errors. If there were no squiggy red lines, there would be twice the number of errors. I don't structure my thoughts, they are as randomised as they get. My only saving grace is that I write too flamboyantly, exaggerated things too much and have a vivid imagination. But then, these are the finer points that only a handful will appreciate.

I used to edit words for a living. I add fluff to sentences. Write stuff that fooled people into thinking I knew what I was writing. Cut and paste and then restructuring the sentence was a darn useful skill to have. Granted, words do come a tad easier to me than most other people. But with all the grammatical, spelling and poor sentence structure, it was amazing I managed to survive at work then.

I read back on my earlier posts and marvel at my language, mostly my imagination. I still think that my imagination is way way more vivid than most boring souls out there, but it , too , seems to have toned down quite a bit. I used to get pissed, not that I don't now, and feel a whole lot of other emotions. I think these emotions have been overshadowed by boredom, guilt and a general sense of uselessness these days. I feel that I have been limited this way.

Recently, I have started to write the really boring stuff again. Stuff where you just give the fact in clear, succinct english, and it felt a bit painful.

I told myself I won't write about mundane things in life, like what time i woke up, what i ate blar blar. Then, I told myself I will limit my negative thoughts writing. I don't want to belt out only when I feel depressed. I told myself that I will pick a topic and write about it. As usual, talk is cheap.

My thoughts as still as random as ever.

I have decided. my next blog entry shall me a list of things that makes me happy. we shall see.

The younglings

Just had dinner with a bunch of younglings, about a whole decade and more younger than me.
I don't exactly feel old among them, but I don't feel that i fit in, and that the whole generation of younglings are catching up onto me, socially, educationally, career wisely. No doubt about a good 3/4 of them will land up in the same position or somewhere below when they reach my age. It just makes me feel like I am not progressing. It hurts to know that you have just peaked in life. Not a very high peak too.

Well, I'm finally doing stuff that hopefully will raise the barrier higher. I'm not sure if it will work. But its definitely better than doing nothing. One has to try right. So world, wish me luck.

Then of course, I have my share of gripes. A particular wallet that I have been eyeing for a long time is now available. I almost bought it after convincing and justifying to myself, then the checkout process screws up and I am in limbo. I hate it that I need to justify such silly things to myself when some other people just do it without blinking. Gosh. Why is my brain wired like this?

I have 8 mths to make myself successful. I really need to work harder.

Wahaha.

hahaha, here we r again. At this rate, this is going to be a bi annual blog.
I won't even kid myself to say things like I will try to update this space more often.
Maybe there isn't much going on in my mundane life now.

As tradition dictates, I need to sum up my life in the past 6 mths before proceeding.

Here it goes: Spent all my time until June, mugging, feeling despair, guilty about studying. Yes, I eventually failed my exam. I dunno why, the exam was hard. But hard exams do not usually stumble me. My brain was just not what it used to be. I kicked myself in the arse, then enjoyed a gorgeous summer. Learnt to golf in a indoor tennis court, sailed and capsized twice, shunned the trains for cycling, went to Alaska, and life is back to normal.

Currently toying with an idea that I stole, I wonder if it will work. We shall see.

cheesecake and rum and raisin icecream

I don't like to blog when I am not the happiest but sometimes, when you have no where else to turn to, nothing to do that you enjoy, you land up at this page.
I should be penning my happy moments, but like all good things, it takes too much effort. So only bad and negative thoughts get up here, which isn't really what I want.

In short, I am damn xianz.
I need to be reading a lot of dry stuff, but my brain is not absorbing. Coupled with the fact that I don't really have enough time, I get even more depressed. Its just so not good. I don't want to fail but yet its as if I am half resigned to fail already. Failing would mess up my plans so its so not good. Sigh.

It doesn't help that I feel so alone all the time. Alboy is there but not there. He is either at work or in dreamland even if he is physically here. At times like this, I rather he not around.
None of my friends are around. None of them are online. And, I don't have that many friends to start off with. So its a lose lose for me.

Argk. I need icecream. But just going out to get that in the frigid cold is too crazy. I havn't stepped out of the house in 2 days, just breathing the stale air is making me sick, n that is on top of being sick. I still feel like I'm running on dayquil and nightquil. I can't sleep at night unless the antihistamine knocks me out, and I can't function in the day unless dayquil clears my head. I am like this drug junkie now.

Now, I need a good cheesecake and rum n raisin icecream.
Although I know for sure eating it will make me sick like fuck again.

Big Sigh

yes, i am sad, possibly depressed and totally xianz.

It has already been established that I lacked the happy gene but some things really do get to me. It is the lethal combination of anticipating for something that never happens and that something happens to be bak po from my favourite vendor.

Big Sigh.

So, there are very few things I miss or have to eat, and I think the two things that ranks high in my list are bak po and mooncakes from my specific vendors. And it was stupidly declared as food.

I know I should not flare up about this n that its bad karma but I can't help it cos I am really upset. I even went into slumber for 3 hours and had dreams about it. that is in additional to the one whole night worth of bak po nightmare. Extreme right.

Big Sigh

this is a reminder to myself to blog about the cat in my next post

a post of sorts

ha so i did pass my cfa and am quite relieved about it. The thought of having to restudy it, not to mention to ship my study materials halfway across the globe, would have destroyed me. Also, it means that as y put it, i am a good student. I am not sure if i am able to apply the material i study in a real life scenario but i sure know how to take exams. Considering the pass rate of 34%, i am happy.

But that only lasted for 2 days before I plunged into L2 stuff and became so demoralised, its just so hard and I really dont want to fail. My brain felt the same way as when I was doing L1 stuff, slow and not absorbing, it was only the very last month of L1 that my brain went into overdrive, it must have died the minute the clock stroke 5pm on exam day.

And yes, something I need to pen down since I been rambling about it to Alboy for the longest time. A while ago when our MM or his son, can't remember and the details are not important, went to a certain country and came back saying that the people were closed minded and lacking internationally, I didnt pay much attention and dismissed it. These days I realised how true it is, omg, that people are like super mountain tortoise, or maybe just the few I know but they are all like that! They think their country is the greatest and have no inking about anything else. Seriously, they didnt even know that we celebrate cny. I mean hey we are of the same race..omg omg omg. Then, food is another way to experience culture and diversity and knowing your food tells one a lot of how well you know a place. They know nuts! OMG. Not even curry chicken or laksa. Maybe not laksa but not even curry chicken our style. OMG. The best part, they think their place is the best. Totally reminds me of what MM says, like that they will never improve.
Plus, these are rich people with the ability to travel the world and experience culture, but they never do. Even if they do, they do it with such a closed mind.

Its just terrible. When I do have kids in the future, I am surely bringing them across the world or at least make them watch travel channel.

Its been a long time.

Yes, its been a long time. I checked, only 3 posts in 2009.
I contemplated blogging more, but maybe it was procrastination, maybe it was because I didn't 'feel' like it, maybe it was because I totally forgot about it, but eventually didn't.

I guess I should summarise my life in the past 7 months for the sake of my future self when I reread my blog.

Here it goes,
well, alboy and I are officially recognised as one now. We moved halfway around the world and have been here for 6 mths. I am now forced to prepare my own food, burning my hand in the process. The scar hasn't quite healed and I am forever wondering how long it would take. I took my CFA level 1 exam and hopefully will proceed to level 2 next june. I still swim 3 times a week although in a controlled 80F temperature. I saw, touched, smelled, snow for the first time in my life. I decided I hate snow. I don't like the dry weather either. Makes my lips crack, skin dry and most of all, I hate waking up with a perched throat. Its just too painful.

Let see, what else.
I went to Eastern Europe, that includes, Berlin, Vienna, Krakow, Budapest, Prague and some stops in Slovakia, went to Mexico and Florida. This means I now completed the Disneys of the world. A bit OD though. 5 Disneys in 5 years. I probably traveled to the most countries in 09, although it wasn't the year I travelled the most.

I smoked pot, overhyped and didnt feel a thing, probably because I was spewing smoke like a dragon instead of inhaling it. I made like 1 and a half friend in 09, and probably lose them this year or the year after. I got out of the 9-5 routine but am unsure what I feel about it. Sure, I love the fact I do not have to wake up at some god forsaken hour to stare at a screen, but sometimes time do seem to stand still and then suddenly pass too fast. I function pretty well alone, but that is an autistic fact we already know. I learned a new language. My spanish is probably better than my malay now.

Life is pretty ok now, although not the 'great' I declared at the start of 09.
Let see how the year unfolds and hopefully I return to this site more.