Monday, September 27, 2010

Things that make me happy

Its quite amazing that I can write stuff, stuff which at the moment of writing will help organise the fluff with the sole purpose of making everything easily understandable the next time round, and I have no effin idea what I wrote when i reread it. Then i do the same thing over and over again. Madness.

Anyway, since this is a post of things that makes me happy. Lets just list them down pronto.
- being a business owner is immensely satisfying. i may be only at the very early stages, but i know its a good step forward and this time round, i have a fren to push me along.
- dreaming of bubble gummy nail colours make me slightly dizty. Not sure if its happines, but I am pretty sure if my nails were indeed nicely painted those colours, i will be happy
- waking up early, doing stuff and feeling satisfied makes me happy. Although, 99% of the time it will be accompanied by faintness in the brain followed by an uncontrollable 3 hr nap which negates everything. Then, the familar sick feeling breeds.
- travelling makes me happy. i love to travel, walk around, breathe in a different air, learn new things - that makes me very very happy. really happy.
- thinking of going to paris makes me happy, even though it will be my 3rd time there I somehow really like paris.
- talking to my closer friends and have them understand you at the same level without them being patronising is a good feeling. However, most of the time, friends only come to you when they need a listening ear and you know it when they only half listen to you. It also mars the feeling when you feel that you wasted too much time online just chatting.
-being so tired that you are able to fall asleep immediately at the right timing is a great feeling. Too bad my body clock is so screwed.
-swimming, as always, feels divine.
-cycling in the perfect temperature feels great too. If only I could take my eyes off the path and look at the sights without worrying about crashing, or car doors opening to slam right into me.
- i guess having nice clothes and knowing exactly how to match your clothes will feel good. I think one needs to have a large collection of clothes before you can do that. I feel I have too little clothes and am getting kinda sick with the same stuff.
-nice jewelery always makes one feel happy. But jewelery has to match nice clothes, or there needs to be someone out there to notice and admire.
- being loved and being around pple who openly express that they love you is a happy feeling. I'm not talking about being around people who love you but don't express it, that is another dimension all together.
- eating good food at good prices is always enjoyable
- eating good dimsum has to make this list definitely
- good desserts as well

ha, i actually feel kinda happy thinking and writing about the things that makes me happy.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

The flair for writing.

I don't think I write particularly well. My hand eye coordination is not what it seems. I think in perfect english but I land up typing terrible english. I am too lazy to check and my eyes glaze over most unintended errors. If there were no squiggy red lines, there would be twice the number of errors. I don't structure my thoughts, they are as randomised as they get. My only saving grace is that I write too flamboyantly, exaggerated things too much and have a vivid imagination. But then, these are the finer points that only a handful will appreciate.

I used to edit words for a living. I add fluff to sentences. Write stuff that fooled people into thinking I knew what I was writing. Cut and paste and then restructuring the sentence was a darn useful skill to have. Granted, words do come a tad easier to me than most other people. But with all the grammatical, spelling and poor sentence structure, it was amazing I managed to survive at work then.

I read back on my earlier posts and marvel at my language, mostly my imagination. I still think that my imagination is way way more vivid than most boring souls out there, but it , too , seems to have toned down quite a bit. I used to get pissed, not that I don't now, and feel a whole lot of other emotions. I think these emotions have been overshadowed by boredom, guilt and a general sense of uselessness these days. I feel that I have been limited this way.

Recently, I have started to write the really boring stuff again. Stuff where you just give the fact in clear, succinct english, and it felt a bit painful.

I told myself I won't write about mundane things in life, like what time i woke up, what i ate blar blar. Then, I told myself I will limit my negative thoughts writing. I don't want to belt out only when I feel depressed. I told myself that I will pick a topic and write about it. As usual, talk is cheap.

My thoughts as still as random as ever.

I have decided. my next blog entry shall me a list of things that makes me happy. we shall see.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The younglings

Just had dinner with a bunch of younglings, about a whole decade and more younger than me.
I don't exactly feel old among them, but I don't feel that i fit in, and that the whole generation of younglings are catching up onto me, socially, educationally, career wisely. No doubt about a good 3/4 of them will land up in the same position or somewhere below when they reach my age. It just makes me feel like I am not progressing. It hurts to know that you have just peaked in life. Not a very high peak too.

Well, I'm finally doing stuff that hopefully will raise the barrier higher. I'm not sure if it will work. But its definitely better than doing nothing. One has to try right. So world, wish me luck.

Then of course, I have my share of gripes. A particular wallet that I have been eyeing for a long time is now available. I almost bought it after convincing and justifying to myself, then the checkout process screws up and I am in limbo. I hate it that I need to justify such silly things to myself when some other people just do it without blinking. Gosh. Why is my brain wired like this?

I have 8 mths to make myself successful. I really need to work harder.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010


hahaha, here we r again. At this rate, this is going to be a bi annual blog.
I won't even kid myself to say things like I will try to update this space more often.
Maybe there isn't much going on in my mundane life now.

As tradition dictates, I need to sum up my life in the past 6 mths before proceeding.

Here it goes: Spent all my time until June, mugging, feeling despair, guilty about studying. Yes, I eventually failed my exam. I dunno why, the exam was hard. But hard exams do not usually stumble me. My brain was just not what it used to be. I kicked myself in the arse, then enjoyed a gorgeous summer. Learnt to golf in a indoor tennis court, sailed and capsized twice, shunned the trains for cycling, went to Alaska, and life is back to normal.

Currently toying with an idea that I stole, I wonder if it will work. We shall see.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

cheesecake and rum and raisin icecream

I don't like to blog when I am not the happiest but sometimes, when you have no where else to turn to, nothing to do that you enjoy, you land up at this page.
I should be penning my happy moments, but like all good things, it takes too much effort. So only bad and negative thoughts get up here, which isn't really what I want.

In short, I am damn xianz.
I need to be reading a lot of dry stuff, but my brain is not absorbing. Coupled with the fact that I don't really have enough time, I get even more depressed. Its just so not good. I don't want to fail but yet its as if I am half resigned to fail already. Failing would mess up my plans so its so not good. Sigh.

It doesn't help that I feel so alone all the time. Alboy is there but not there. He is either at work or in dreamland even if he is physically here. At times like this, I rather he not around.
None of my friends are around. None of them are online. And, I don't have that many friends to start off with. So its a lose lose for me.

Argk. I need icecream. But just going out to get that in the frigid cold is too crazy. I havn't stepped out of the house in 2 days, just breathing the stale air is making me sick, n that is on top of being sick. I still feel like I'm running on dayquil and nightquil. I can't sleep at night unless the antihistamine knocks me out, and I can't function in the day unless dayquil clears my head. I am like this drug junkie now.

Now, I need a good cheesecake and rum n raisin icecream.
Although I know for sure eating it will make me sick like fuck again.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Big Sigh

yes, i am sad, possibly depressed and totally xianz.

It has already been established that I lacked the happy gene but some things really do get to me. It is the lethal combination of anticipating for something that never happens and that something happens to be bak po from my favourite vendor.

Big Sigh.

So, there are very few things I miss or have to eat, and I think the two things that ranks high in my list are bak po and mooncakes from my specific vendors. And it was stupidly declared as food.

I know I should not flare up about this n that its bad karma but I can't help it cos I am really upset. I even went into slumber for 3 hours and had dreams about it. that is in additional to the one whole night worth of bak po nightmare. Extreme right.

Big Sigh

Friday, February 05, 2010

this is a reminder to myself to blog about the cat in my next post

a post of sorts

ha so i did pass my cfa and am quite relieved about it. The thought of having to restudy it, not to mention to ship my study materials halfway across the globe, would have destroyed me. Also, it means that as y put it, i am a good student. I am not sure if i am able to apply the material i study in a real life scenario but i sure know how to take exams. Considering the pass rate of 34%, i am happy.

But that only lasted for 2 days before I plunged into L2 stuff and became so demoralised, its just so hard and I really dont want to fail. My brain felt the same way as when I was doing L1 stuff, slow and not absorbing, it was only the very last month of L1 that my brain went into overdrive, it must have died the minute the clock stroke 5pm on exam day.

And yes, something I need to pen down since I been rambling about it to Alboy for the longest time. A while ago when our MM or his son, can't remember and the details are not important, went to a certain country and came back saying that the people were closed minded and lacking internationally, I didnt pay much attention and dismissed it. These days I realised how true it is, omg, that people are like super mountain tortoise, or maybe just the few I know but they are all like that! They think their country is the greatest and have no inking about anything else. Seriously, they didnt even know that we celebrate cny. I mean hey we are of the same race..omg omg omg. Then, food is another way to experience culture and diversity and knowing your food tells one a lot of how well you know a place. They know nuts! OMG. Not even curry chicken or laksa. Maybe not laksa but not even curry chicken our style. OMG. The best part, they think their place is the best. Totally reminds me of what MM says, like that they will never improve.
Plus, these are rich people with the ability to travel the world and experience culture, but they never do. Even if they do, they do it with such a closed mind.

Its just terrible. When I do have kids in the future, I am surely bringing them across the world or at least make them watch travel channel.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Its been a long time.

Yes, its been a long time. I checked, only 3 posts in 2009.
I contemplated blogging more, but maybe it was procrastination, maybe it was because I didn't 'feel' like it, maybe it was because I totally forgot about it, but eventually didn't.

I guess I should summarise my life in the past 7 months for the sake of my future self when I reread my blog.

Here it goes,
well, alboy and I are officially recognised as one now. We moved halfway around the world and have been here for 6 mths. I am now forced to prepare my own food, burning my hand in the process. The scar hasn't quite healed and I am forever wondering how long it would take. I took my CFA level 1 exam and hopefully will proceed to level 2 next june. I still swim 3 times a week although in a controlled 80F temperature. I saw, touched, smelled, snow for the first time in my life. I decided I hate snow. I don't like the dry weather either. Makes my lips crack, skin dry and most of all, I hate waking up with a perched throat. Its just too painful.

Let see, what else.
I went to Eastern Europe, that includes, Berlin, Vienna, Krakow, Budapest, Prague and some stops in Slovakia, went to Mexico and Florida. This means I now completed the Disneys of the world. A bit OD though. 5 Disneys in 5 years. I probably traveled to the most countries in 09, although it wasn't the year I travelled the most.

I smoked pot, overhyped and didnt feel a thing, probably because I was spewing smoke like a dragon instead of inhaling it. I made like 1 and a half friend in 09, and probably lose them this year or the year after. I got out of the 9-5 routine but am unsure what I feel about it. Sure, I love the fact I do not have to wake up at some god forsaken hour to stare at a screen, but sometimes time do seem to stand still and then suddenly pass too fast. I function pretty well alone, but that is an autistic fact we already know. I learned a new language. My spanish is probably better than my malay now.

Life is pretty ok now, although not the 'great' I declared at the start of 09.
Let see how the year unfolds and hopefully I return to this site more.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

I dont like changes

I hate changes to my routine. I like my well established 28 yr routine. I don't really feel welcome here, the smell is different.

Previously, I dreaded going home, but deep down home still is comforting. I may be really upset, crying under the sheets but it was something I done many times, something familar. I used to spin excuses every 2 months to stay over but when I now can legally stay over, I wanna sleep at home instead. If only I can fall asleep here n wake up at home. I can't believe I would feel this way but I really miss home. Perhaps its karma when I so firmly said no to E when she insisted I will feel this way. But now, I can hardly control my tears. My eyes brimmmed with tears too easily, and my heart is extremely fragile.

Seriously, if not for the very tight bird cage, there is really no point to be married. All my life, I never did adapt to change well. Its unlike changing jobs because I am nonchalent about it. This is weird. I dont want to hunt for myself, I still want to be sheltered. There is no space for clothes here, the bedsheet is too warm, there is no breeze of cool air, no Alboy to call cos he is just here, sigh.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Fly Birdie Fly...

I've been procrastinating blogging because I was too tired, a flurry of activities or just plain scared to pen my emotions down.

As usual I only return to blogger when I am extremely upset, the reasons for being so upset remains the same. Its always the same caged in a bird feeling, trying to break free, screaming, yelling, hitting bit. i hate it. n i hate having to rant about it. sigh.

I saw the date on my last post, I talked about V day. Alboy received his admission information on Vday and that has fast forwarded our lives. A flurry of ring shopping, followed by very fast decisions on gowns and photographers, we are going to be legally recognised as one soon. I am not the least bit excited and sometimes wonder if this were happening if not for the admission result. Alboy assures me it was just a matter of time, but I think that he would now still be 'too busy' if he were not given the push. I try to feel a little excited but I can't find it. Its a chore to me. I just want it over and done with. On hindsight, I should have planned this thing to be over and done in 2 mths instead of 3. I totally overestimated the time needed for gowns and photos.

To conclude, my current mood is sad, v sad with a stinging leg.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

2009 : so far so good.

I don't even know how long it has been since my last blog. Its lunch time and I never ever will view my blog on the office network. Blogging on it seems different to me.

I remembered being very lazy. Not lazy actually. Just trying so hard to get as much sleep as possible. I wake up at 6am these days, so its a struggle to get at least 6 hours of sleep everynight. Switching the computer on automatically means I am going to be zombified the next day. I am now trying to wean myself to be able to survive on 5 hrs of sleep.

I remembered wanting to blog about how much I was enjoying my new job. Surprise Suprise. It shocks me now that I felt this way. The job is fine, but to use the word..enjoy. woa. The new place is much better than the 2nd place. I get my own cubicle which imho is v v v big. Quiet enviroment without the door constantly slaming behind me. I get to get some shut eye if I want as well. No one sees my computer screen so I can do rubbish things like blog openly.

The only downside - having to lug myself awake at 6am everday. Plus the traffic home is so bad. Actually it would not be if I have a seat on the bus. The traffic to Alboy's place is worst. I tried several different routes, each one longer than the previous. I dont even know if its the worsen traffic condition on the day, or just the route.

Besides that, I am quite enjoying myself, only except when I think about how I am still wasting my life away day after day. Perhaps we should all be born the way benjamin button was, then we will just live life to the max.

CNY came and went, all 15 days of it. Ya, thats at least how long I didnt blog. I didnt eat a single mandarin orange this yr, hardly felt any festivity, collected my angbaos which turned out to be quite a bit this year.

Life after cny has slumped back into pre cny routine. I kinda like it, at least the first 2-3 weeks before I start whinning on how monotonous it will be. Already I dread the 5 day week. Its only Tuesday today, help.

V day is coming - as usual it will prob just be another regular weekend, which is good too cos I dont see the pt of doing something special cos that will make your hope raise n fall. I wouldnt mind a Friday evening movie though. We have been watching a lot of moview on fridays n it feels good.

As I type this I feel myself dozing off.
Time to catch 30 winks.
The verdict on 2009 : so far so good.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Officially 2009

As usual, I always feel kinda sad that its a new year.
Its like u slug it out through the past yr and there is only this short period of enjoyment before it all resets again.
Its like in the new year, there is no excuse for you to make merry, u have to work.

Usually I am quite busy at the start of the year because of work events. Now, I am just feeling nervous cos I do not know what to expect at all. My last job I couldnt be bothered. Now I am actually nervous.

I remembered entering 2008 with the mindset that the first few months were going to pass really fast. It was event after event, flying off throughout the region, I still remember that I planned to fly off then cny, so it would be 2 weeks gone and Jan would be over before I knew it.

Now I am half looking forward to cny, cos at least there is something to look forward too, but then after cny it is going to be a drought and I hate droughts, because everything becomes so routine!

2009. Lets see what the yr will bring.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008


Its the time of the year when I attempt to summarise 2008.
Usually, I look back to this particular blog post a year ago, I checked all three blogs that I jumped about it and it turns out horror horror, I did not write this post. I must have been really depressed this time last yr. or maybe I was just enjoying myself in bkk then.

Things that have changed.
1. A look at my old posts seem to suggest that I been travelling a lot and I did not want to get out of the country. Now, I desparately want out! I have not been travelling since I changed jobs and it sucks. I so want to get out, go to Changi, sit in a plane, be servered a nice hot towel, sleep in a hotel room. I miss that life! So much so for complaining the last time. I am such a nut. No wonder some people say I do not know a good thing when I have it. Drats.

2. I finally changed jobs. Not once but twice. Much of my earlier posts have been lamenting about my job. After 60 mths, I finally got out. The next job was somewhat lobo. Sure the money was better but I did pratically nothing and man, the reporting manager was darn darn stupid. So unlike my old boss. I couldnt take it and bolted out. Lets see what the new job will bring in 2009.

3. I achieved pretty much nothing this year. Part of it had to do with how lobo my 2nd job was. It lulled me into this place. I go to work, sit 8 hrs doing nothing, come home ridiculously early, nap in the evening and stay online all night doing nothing. I lost all drive and did not even work on my online business. It was pretty bad.

4. I started an online business. Finally. Not too sure if started is the right word to use, cos after 4 months, I did nothing much except get the website running and sold only 1 item - to a friend somemore. I did not actively do anything else, and sometimes even avoided it. Considering I had so much lobo time, I was not sure what hit me. Its now like a dissapointment I am trying to avoid. My resolution in 2009 would be to do something abt this. Too scared to make big resolutions here.

5. I finally actively traded stocks. Overall lost as usual. Think I am currently a bit intimidated now and am steering clear for a while. Another 2009 resolution is to do something about this.

6. I think I saved quite a bit of money this year. I cashed out my 30 days leave so that gave me some cash. Plus I didnt take 2 expensive holidays like in 2007. The balance with money and enjoyment is always a toss up. Whats the point of seeing ur bank digit grow when you are not really sure what to do with it. Its still not enough to buy my property.

7. I think I went to a record number of weddings. But whats news. Its like I do not even have to worry about what to wear anymore. Its like ok, here are my wedding dresses and shoes and cluches.

8. Its still pretty much the same between Alboy and me. Excepts that he may relocate to US next yr and I am still undecide if I want to follow him there. I mean, what do I do there? Yet, the thought of being trapped in a routine 9-5 cycle, as no doubt I would be, alone is depressing.

9. Not too sure if I made any new friends this year. Met some new people at my 2nd job but I do not think I will be in much close contact with them. I mean, they are just not my type. I am way too tired to play the hi bye how are you doing game without actually giving a shit about them.

10. Lost any friends? Prob no. I think I lost them all in 2007.

11. Was looking at my 2007 bday list. I reposted it here.

My bday's coming. My wishlist includes
- 10 very very nice bookmarks. Stylish but funtional without it being act cute.
- ipod wall plug charger.
- nice jewellery would be nice. i wouldnt mind the diamond on my neck being bigger, altough i love the pendant I am wearing. After wearing it for almost 10 years, it kinda looks small or maybe I am just ready for a change. Doesnt really matter if I still wear it for the next 10 year though. Contridicitng myself, dont even know what I mean. No, I think i know what i mean but too lazy to structure my thoughts.
- Border vochurs please.
- a year subsription to the economist
- imac would be nice but I rather buy that with my own money, a bday gift has to be a gift that is oh so pretty and stunning, not like a computer
- lasik perhaps?

Its quite amazing. Cos lets see, I got the ipod wall plug charder, nice jewellery, econmist and imac. Woaa..thats 4/7. A very good score by my standard. I mean, lasik was just an afterthought, I do not think I am ready for lasik yet so make that 4/6. Now who cares abt 10 bookmarks and borders vochurs. I buy so many books from borders with the discount coupons and i just reread the pages if I am unsure where I left off. So, I got everything I wanted in 2008! Woa. I didnt even realised that. I prob coveted those things for a really long time.

Time for things I want in 2009
1. I want to travel. Greece, Egypt, short weekend to bali, but who knows I might just be in US with Alboy.
2. More fulfillment in life. Maybe more meaningful but not exhausting work.
3. Make money in stocks.
4. Start Golfing lessons? Dont ask me what the fascination is. Its just lets try why this dumb sport seems to be so fun.
5. Sleep less, wake up earlier? This has always been on the list but of mt everest level of difficulty to fulfill.
6. Tennis? but there is still no one to play with.

I will stop it here and see what else I want to add later.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

The one about complaining

I had a million happy things to blog about but as usual I procrastinate.
I had been thinking that this had been a fairly decent year. Surely, I was plauged with what I like to call the bad luck phase from nov into the start of the year, it weaned off and now I consider myself in a somewhat much better position.

Yeah, something irked me today. Pissed me. Many things, in fact.

One was Alboy. I do not know why but I am just extremely irritated at him. Yup he spent a lot of time preparing for his exam, I made myself sacred. I helped him with stuff. Then all he could do/say was like things like , oh you are the best blar blar blar. Sure, he might have mean it but words mean nothing to be if you dont back them with action. Ironic how I complain abt my procrastination in the first sentence. You say one thing, and once your exam is over you plunge straight back into work. Work is always urgent, the most important. Granted work is important and you probably have piled up work but pioritise and just put me on top for once. Dont say you will meet me and blow it off. Sigh. And I am not even having pms yet.

Next, I attended a fairly decent wedding recently. Open concept, not the usual 10 course dinner. It was messy, it was hard to eat but the company was good. I was all ready to rate it a 7 out of 10, until I saw the groom's msn nick and the score plunged all the way to 1. His nick was, ideal wedding, checked. I mean, wtf. What is an ideal wedding? and how is an ideal wedding important. I still sway back n forth on the whole wedding and marriage thing. On a good day, I think its good to get married. On bad days, I just see no point. With regards to my earlier para, today is obviously a bad day. First, why is there always more emphasis on the wedding instead of the marriage. If I have my way, I will just go into the room and be done with it in 5 mins. No need for months and months of elaborate preperation. Waste of time. If a celebratory is needed, I would do it on the sg flyer. Stuff the people into the cabins, one revolution and bye. The guest prob like it cos it cost way lesser than a 150 dollars angbao and its less time consuming too. They say little girls grow up fantasing about their wedding, I never did. Not even now.