Someone closed to me once remarked that I am an unhappy person deep within. I shrugged it off and continued smiling. I punctuated my text msgs with many exclamation marks and greeted everyone with a very enthusiastic 'hi'. However, the fact was that his remark resonated in me for days.

I was not prepared to put this down in black and white, but what’s the point of having a blog when you are fearful to show your feelings.

Today, a whole series of unhappy events unfolded. They came crashing like a how cards stacked in a pyramid would. To elaborate the events would be too painful and it would only make me cry, already I have small eyes.

The aftermath of it was that I admit that I am a very unhappy person within. My closer friends will silently nod their head. Others will want to read on.

I am the by-product of strict disciplinary style parenting and the excellent sg educational system. My parents are disciplinants, never wrong and always act in the best interest they think would be for me. I grew up to be a very guai girl. However, as I grew older, I felt increasingly stiffen by their grip of control over me. I wanted to roam free but could not. Because deep down inside I am darn afraid of my parents (I still am), I started to rebel in the most ridiculous way. I was never brave enough to speak with my parents. It did not help that I become verbally constipated when I face my dad. Part of me thought it would be futile to do anything constructive about this, the other part of me was resigned. This had devastating effects on our relationship.

Do not mistake me. I love my parents dearly. They have done a lot of me and I would not be where I am today.

The educational system that I was subjected to also left me with little space to breathe. I HAD to excel while growing up. I went to top schools, took the most difficult subjects. Society is judgmental and we were regimentally judged by papers. I enjoy learning new things but gradually, having to learn because of an exam was tiring. When I reached tertiary education, having to learn complicated formulas became grueling. I felt I had no choice because I had to stay on the right side of the educational system. Afterall, I had struggled for so long and had come so far.
Increasingly, I gasp for air.

I want to do what I want to do, instead of what I have to do. You say, why not – just follow your heart. I tell you, it is not easy, I dare not. Blame it on a combination of the person I am and the experiences I had so far. I simply do not dare. Silly, isn't it? Considering that I have no inkling what I am afraid of.

Perhaps one day I will get it all figured out, and hopefully it will not be too late then.

p/s: If you are going to leave a comment about this entry, please do not preach. I will hate you.